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AguilaStar
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Name: Benny
Country: United States
State: California
Birthday: 8/5/1986
Gender: Male
Interests: Arts, I'm often distracted by pretty colors, uh... I'll come back to this later, I see a blue car...
Message: message me
AIM:  halfdoughnut
Member Since:
1/24/2006
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| u know, I wasnt gonna add a new entry considering i havent written in a while, and I didn't just want to bitch and moan over all my shit without finding an upside to all of it. But, it helps to read other friend's entries and read all the shit they're going through only to watch them rise out of it through God's grace. I'm totally down for this now...
So, its been a really dramatic weekend. So much happened that it kind of all just slapped me in the face. Everything from learning two people I knew died last year, to pot smoking circles (no, I didn't smoke), to crazy God experiences, to reverting to the body image issues of an anorexic 15 year old girl.
I know God wants to use me in incredible ways, and I know He's brought me through SO MUCH, ut theres a huge issue I can't help crumbling under. Its difficult to talk to guys about it, cuz in most masculine circles, its not an issue. In heart to heart conversations guys have little problem opening up about sexual shit they're going through. Or anger issues. But I feel like such a 15 year old fat girl when I say I feel ashamed about my body.
I woke up Sunday morning to get ready for church. Some friends were saving me a seat, and I was completely set on going. Then, after much difficulty waking up, I went to my closet only to discover all my freakin clothes were dirty, except some of my older, nicer ones... the ones that dont fit anymore. I tried on outfit by outfit trying to find one I felt good in, but all I could see is how big my ass was, how wide the shirt made me look, how disproportionate my body was to my height, how ugly I looked. I tried to fight the lies and just pick something nice, and I fixed my hair, and put on my shoes, ran out the door as I was already 30 min late for church, and jumped into my car. All of a sudden anxiety hit me. I checked my car's mirror to see how I looked and I just sat in my car unable to turn it on. I waited, trying to fight the lies in my head about my self image, but I finally gave. I took the keys out of the ignition, shamefully walked back into my house, changed into dirty clothes watching my self in the mirror in disappointment, sat on the couch, turned on the TV, and sulked. It was not my proudest moment.
I dont tell a lot of people about this problem of mine. The only people who know are the ones who've observed it just from hanging out a lot, but few know the paralyzing effect it has on me. I grew up the only boy and a pretty chubby kid in a family full of curvaceous women. I can barely recall a time when my sisters werent on a diet cuz they wanted to look good. My mom can't take a picture without feeling the need to hide her body behind someone. My dad, the only athlete in the family, would openly express his shame over my body. A very common topic in my household is how fat everyone is, and how ugly they feel (except my dad).
I was a pretty big kid, and it wasnt til High School that I decided to lose the weight, I hermitted myself for six month. I worked out every day, all the time. running sometimes three times a day, waking up at 5 am, doing as many sit ups as I could, I reached about 300 at one point. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted to look hot, cuz to me, fat was ugly- thats how I grew up.
the skinniest I've been is 165 lbs. I reached that mostly because it was around a time when I would fast for the Lord. The fasts were sincere too, I made them a sacrifice to the Lord, but it was still always a struggle not to fast for the sake of losing weight. When I had given myself to the Lord, I left my old lifestyles behind, but something in me is still ashamed of my fat. I went through a deep depression for two long years, trying to understand and reconcile my desire for men. I deeply loved the Lord, but I also really desired a male lover- it became clear to me that I couldnt have both; not the way I wanted it anyway. I wanted a man to be attracted to me, to tell me I was beautiful, to make me feel like I have self worth and negate the shameful words spoken over me by my dad. In this struggle I gained so much weight, and though I'm not as depressed as I used to be, its still difficult to just be satisfied with what I look at in the mirror.
Im currently at about 200 pounds. Im training for a marathon, and I'm workin out a lot. Right now I'm running about 8miles. I want this to be about health and endurance, but part of me feels guilty about selfishly working out to look hot. I've been able to fight through the lies for a while, but I feel like I just crashed this weekend. I discovered that my ex had sent me a message on myspace telling me he missed me. I looked through old archives on my myspace that I rarely log on to and discovered 2 year old love letters from him, telling me how he loved staring into my eyes, how he loved holding me, how he loved me. I crumbled.
Since the whole ordeal, I've been struggling to come to God with this. but slowly I can feel God's draw. My best friend sent me a verse from Song of songs, it goes something like, "All beautiful you are, my darling. There is no flaw in you" SOng of Songs, 4:7. I melt, and want to cry, as I know Jesus is speaking this over me, but in my emotional pain I try to hide from Him. Someone once told me "you better learn to love yourself, or else God will force you to love yourself by making you ugly". I've feared this so much, I dont want to bring this issue before God, but I'm only just realizing how much of a lie this is. I need to believe this is a lie, because its only pushing me away from Him.
He sees no flaw in me. It resonates in my soul like a gentle chime causing sparse pink ripples in a crystalline pond. I need Jesus to salvage me from the furious, cold distortion of lies like relents claw swipes of a feline scratching at my face and eyes, painfully ruining my vision.
I need to know I'm beautiful, because God made me beautiful.
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| SO I was thinkin bout my xanga and all the crap I write. And honestly, I only come here to vent, and rarely do I update any good things that have happened or rarely do I express a positive attitude. I don't want my readers to think that I lead a miserable life, I just happen to be more inspired to write when I'm feeling frustrated. Hopefully this entry will veer a different direction.
So... the month of October was quite the gauntlet. I don't think I've made as big dumbshit decisions in my life (u know, since my being in a cult) as I have in the last few weeks. I don't feel like going into detail, thats reserved for those really nice, heart-to-heart, one-on-one conversations I have with my close friends. However, I will say this- my sexual struggles have never been more difficult, and I'm not sure if I have the same taste for alcohol as I used to. I mean, I'll still drink some, but now I have reason to be more controlled. I've crossed a few lines recently, and they haven't been my proudest moments- some are even too embarrassing and even shameful for me to express. But u know what? I worship an awesome God.
The God I worship isn't spiteful. He will not strike me down when I make a mistake- I hate that thats the common misconception of many people toward God the Father. I've learned to embrace the awesome forgiveness that God has blessed us with through Jesus Christ, and I don't let shame smother me, Glory to God. He's been exceedingly forgiving and merciful towards me, and I praise Him for that. But now, because of my mistakes, I feel like I've only made my struggles worse for myself, and I fear that if I don't do something now, then my sexual struggle will soon be too much for me to handle. I've been feeding and feeding this little sin seed in me, not thinking much of it, but it had started to sprout and manifest in me really ugly things, and i don't want it to anymore.
Kat, one of my best friends, encouraged me. I expressed to her my struggle, but that even though it sucked, I still had hope that God would lead me out of it. She said I had reminded her of David in the bible, and of how when he went through trial and tribulation,she couldn't imagine him stoically accept his struggle, but vehemently groan against it. However, even through how much it sucked, he still held on to God and onto the promises God had made more him. ... that put a smile on my face.
We met up again. I love Kat- she's always ready for a heart-to-heart conversation, and she absolutely ADORES the Lord, it shows in how she talks about him. Spewing forth all my thought vomit, I realized that I really need spiritual parents. I've been blessed and prophecied over so many times. and God always gives me the message of His transforming me into a warrior, and giving me tremendous blessing to bless others. But I feel like I'm still a very young child. I've tried in the past to do it by myself, but I just can't. I need discipleship, but from an older person, much much wiser in the Lord than I, and one who has seen more than I have. I don't mean that arrogantly-trying to presume that I've seen so much in my life- but I find that its been hard to connect to many people because maybe my life's experiences in the past have been a little more obscure than other's, and a lot of people don't know what to do with me because of it- sometimes I feel ostracized. I want to make an appointment with my pastor at DCA (Davis Christian Assembly). I've only recently decided to plant myself in this church; I've been wandering too long.
SIGH
Going to God can be more difficult certain times than others, but I'm also learning how to put my feelings aside and go to God despite how I feel. Its not always so successful, as I have a tendency to mope or veg in front of the TV instead, but I praise God for His persistence and patience.
Oh God.
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| I'm a horrible son, and I don't know what to do about it.
My life is a complete mystery to my parents. I've spent the last 9 years in complete secrecy from them. They know nothing of my previous lifestyle in witchcraft. They know nothing of my psychological problems deriving from it. They barely know anything of my deep 2 year depression. They know nothing of my walk with God, they know nothing of my fears, my dreams, my struggles, and my desires.
Now, I've graduated college, with absolutely NO idea what I'm going to do for a career, and I need to answer to mom and dad. They want to know why I haven't gotten a REAL job yet. They want to know why the hell I'm still in Davis and not at home. They want to know what the hell I'm doing with my life. And what did I major in!? SPANISH!!! I HATE THE LANGUAGE!!! ALL I CAN HEAR WHEN I SPEAK IT IS MY MOM AND DAD SCOLDING ME! TELLING ME HOW DUMB I SOUND WHEN I SPEAK IT AND HOW I CAN'T AND DON'T KNOW HOW! I only majored in it cuz it was easy for me! I was going through so much psychological shit, I couldn't focus in SCHOOL!!!
I was able to maintain SOME sort of superficial answer for them, until my mom asked me... "Are you in Davis because you have a boyfriend?" and something in me snapped. I angrily hung up the phone on that conversation. Its been nearly a week now since I've talked to my mom, and she has called twice, apologetically. I haven't called back. I feel I can't call back. I don't know what to answer them. I don't know what to say to them. No, I'm not in a relationship. But how do I explain this struggle? How do I explain that I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm waiting for something, guidance. How do I explain that after four years of college, I may want to enter seminary. How do I explain what a fellowship is, and why I feel I need to stay longer to bless them? How do I explain that my church is up here, and I can't quite move home yet? How do I explain all this and yet feel guiltless about their help financially, with a phone, with a car, with all other things they've been providing for.
I feel like such a horrible son.
SO much has happened in my life, Drastically Good, and drastically Horrible, and I don't know what to do in life cuz I still feel so jacked up, and the last thing I need is to be under mom and dad, who barely know me at all, and can't understand why I don't know what I'm doing...
I feel like such a horrible son. All they want to do is to love me.
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| Lagrimas cayendo de mis cachetes y un dolor entumecido que me punsa dentro de mi pecho. Duelo. Duelo tanto que me paraliza. No tiene nada que ver con sexualidad, solamente quiero sentir que estoy amado. Necesito sentirlo. Una mano en mi hombro. Un abrazo sin pena. Acciones que siguen palabras verdaderas de amor. No. Novio no quiero. Sexo no quiero (ahorita). Es algo de mi pasado, algo profundamente arraigado, que necesita estar curado. Este dolor apenas lo aguanto. Este deseo para amor.
Dios me llama, y quiero ser obediente. Quiero oir su voz y ver su cara. Quiero ver sus milagros y su reino en esta tierra. El calma a mi dolor. El lo conoce bien. Solamente quisiera percibirlo mas de su cuerpo, su iglesia.
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| Desde que termine mi ultima clase de espanol, mi capacidad para hablar el lenguaje ha desminuido. Es problematico considerando que quiero conseguir una carrera como interprete para hospitales. Por eso escribo haci, para la practica. SORRY FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS.
Pues, ya paso mis ultimos dias como estudiante de colegio. Ya, oficialmente soy alumno!! Pero ahorita no puedo disfrutarlo, todavia estoy en una transicion que no puedo pensar en mi futuro. Extrano a mis amigos, a mi apartamento, y sobre todo ando trabajando mas horas para sobre vivir en mi nueva casa.
Tal vez, sera una mal desicion estar en el internet ahorita. Mi lucha con atraccion al mismo sexo todavia me plega, unos dias mas que otros... oops, continuare despues!!
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